Rants and Ramblings

So I apparantly swear a lot.

2010-11-05T17:48:00.001Z

Based on my Status Updates
I swore 72 times! I swear more than 96% of all Facebook users.

Here are all of my swearings:

Oct 30, 2010	I really hate Mariah fucking Carey! She's up there with Hitler and SJP.
Oct 22, 2010	Will Smith can eat a dick.
Oct 21, 2010	WTF is this shit? Where's True Blood?!
Oct 13, 2010	"Do you mean F for Freddy"? No Bitch, I mean F for Fucking listen carefully to what I say on the goddamn telephone!
Aug 9, 2010	I thought titanic was epic shit. titanic 2 is beyond awful.
Aug 3, 2010	Didcot today, Abingdon tomorrow.. fuck 2Pac, -I- get around.
Jul 19, 2010	how is one supposed to apply for shit online when the internet only decides to work on facebook!?
Jul 16, 2010	"I wanna ask you one question If I had some nuts, hangin on the walls, what did I have honey?" I said, "Darling you'd have some walnuts." She said, "Well.. daddy if I had some nuts on my chest, would those be chestnuts?" I said, "Hell yes!" She said, "Well daddy if I had nuts under my chin would those be chin-nuts?" I said, "Hell no bitch you'd have a dick in your mouth!"
Jul 11, 2010	Now can they burn all those fucking vuvuzelas?
Jul 8, 2010	Random Event : An informal chat appears. Alex uses charm and wins. Receives an offer to apply for A-Plan Insurance.....again. The cunts have rejected me 2 times now (one time without even acknowledging me). This is their last chance.
Jul 2, 2010	I'm FUCKING FREE!!!!!!... or have been made redudnant. Swings and roundabouts? Forget that, I'd take the slide out of this playground, thanks.
Jun 30, 2010	it's fucking D-Day.
Jun 27, 2010	as much as I have crusaded against this tournament... I had to watch this game. I love how my predictions are right in terms of shambolic performances after scraping thru the groups. England'll somehow get a 2nd. extra time will be slow and sloppy. and they'll fuck up pens. if england win this, i'll wear the st george flag like the blue rag for a week.
Jun 25, 2010	an actual interview, not a shitty agency meeing? i'm happy
Jun 23, 2010	Lucky bastards!
Jun 21, 2010	megavideo is a piece of shit. I'll be damned if I haveta wait 50 mins.....
Jun 18, 2010	GET IN ALGERIA! GET THE FUCK IN! Perfect result.
Jun 12, 2010	how many more times am I going to have to write to these fucking morons?
Jun 7, 2010	fuck sake!!! internet disconnected RIGHT before the end of corrie! all i saw was tony with the petrol! thank you faux-god for ruining my life!
Jun 1, 2010	I swear the old dude in front of me on the bus took a shit in his drawers!
May 17, 2010	shut your god-damn mouth... or else i'm gunna kick you... square in the balls... asshole
May 11, 2010	dear volcano: fuck off!
May 6, 2010	..so even though I registered to vote and was told that because I did it online I didn't need to send anything back, I'm not on the register so I can't vote. Fuck this country. I hope it burns.
May 5, 2010	If you can vote tomorrow, you better vote. Don't care who for (Not BNP) just fuckin' do it. When the results come in, you are only allowed to bitch IF you voted.
Apr 26, 2010	saw the funniest thing on TV but cannot repeat what it was.. all I can say is.. "this one is 50 Cent... G-Unit!" I'm going to hell, I know.
Apr 24, 2010	Well it's the Soopaman Luva nah bitch call me Pimp Nutz (Who?) P-P-Pimp Nutz (Who?) P-P-Pimp Nutz
Mar 29, 2010	Boycott Halifax : Those ads are beyond shite.
Mar 29, 2010	Aussie Road Minister criticised Lewis Hamilton on the day that Victoria launched a Don't Be a Dickhead road safety campaign. Sums Hammy up in a nutshell really....
Mar 23, 2010	you know when you have a day so shit that you start worrying about things that do not even warrent worrying over? yeah... i hate that
Mar 15, 2010	so a snake shits on the table........ "Less than" 3>
Mar 9, 2010	I can't change my middle name to Mr. Bitches. Thanks for not being fun Facebook
Mar 7, 2010	When they complain, they are not looking for advice or solutions, they just want you to listen. When you offer suggestions or advice, you’re just trying to help, but they don’t see things that way. To them, you are being bossy and not listening. I know, it’s fucking crazy and retarded, but it’s the way they work.- The Bible on women
Mar 4, 2010	why can't i change my status to widowed? fuck you facebook you insensitive bastard!
Mar 4, 2010	"If you don't know how spell correctly then get out of this company!" - KD this coming from the person who passes cheques to "Aco Cunts"
Mar 2, 2010	that annoying bitch on Channel 4 is pissing me off!
Feb 25, 2010	... so i get bollocked for being proactive... nice. fuck you Dean! fuck you!
Feb 21, 2010	NO! the audio has corrupted on the podcast video with Eddie O'Keeffe, Joe O' Keeffe, Ian Wiggins & Peter Ceresa. damn you youtube!
Feb 4, 2010	finally gets to see royal rumble... tomorrow. downloaded bitches!
Feb 2, 2010	bit my tounge as i sneezed. fuck sake!
Jan 27, 2010	I wish Pat Clifton was real.... he ALWAYS delivered the post to the right fucking address and not the return address! If anybody sees a Faringdon post office employee; kick them in the crotch. Hard. Toe first if possible.
Jan 23, 2010	kenny, how would you like to sodomize my black ass?
Jan 21, 2010	fuck shit piss! i left my phone at work.
Jan 21, 2010	will this week hurry the fuck up?
Jan 20, 2010	dear snow: why don't you just fuck off and lighten up? why don't you just lighten up and stop falling on the ground before i get pissed off. i actually get pissed off and go into your house and start kicking the shit out of you and slapping the.. fuck out of you to make some sense into you.
Jan 17, 2010	fuck, why can't I go to sleep?
Jan 10, 2010	fuck, more snow. i hope jackie can make it to heathrow ok tomorrow.
Jan 8, 2010	on predictive text, lord came before lost. fuck, my phone is christian!
Jan 4, 2010	the new butlins ad uses "meat spin" music... fuck knows what goes on there!
Dec 31, 2009	HAPPY NEW YEAR FUCKERS! I LOVE YOU ALL!
Dec 13, 2009	doesn'd give 2 shits about X-Factor or raging against the machine. if you want to fuck the system, don't pay attention to the shit. Rick Astley's never Gonna Give You Up would have been a better choice to fuck SC over anyway as Pete Waterman was the producer (and he's been slagging off x-factor).
Dec 7, 2009	there's a term for that.... like girls who say PUTS IT IN MUH BUTT because they don't wanna lose their virginity. if anoybody knows can you tell me cos it's annoying the hell out of me. desperate or idiot doesnt count.
Dec 6, 2009	butt sex = bad romance
Nov 26, 2009	somebody stimulate my mind plz! I'm talking in txt talk god damnit!
Nov 24, 2009	just saw this in an episode of south park in the alphabet above the blackboard - "dios mios an matado a kenny bastardos"
Nov 11, 2009	is so shit-fuck bored of not having work to do. SOMETHING HAPPEN! PLEASE!
Nov 10, 2009	says to hell with Crap of Doody - Modern Gay Stupid Fuck 2.
Oct 30, 2009	FUCK YOU WHALE! AND FUCK YOU DOLPHIN!
Oct 29, 2009	just flashed perry bishop his boobs... damn thats a lot o fhorny middle ages closet lesbians
Oct 24, 2009	thinks people need to grow the fuck up and not take stupid shit so serious..and to stop dragging me into it.
Oct 23, 2009	the post office delivered the junk mail today. thanks, but fuck you!!!
Oct 6, 2009	even BT's auto updates don't wrk... fuck this, i'm joining TalkTalk
Sep 21, 2009	Renault? Banned for 2 years? Good bye Cuntlonso!
Sep 18, 2009	wants BT to fuck off and die a slow death
Sep 4, 2009	Today, I tried to wash my cat in the shower, naked myself as it seemed convenient. He disapproved, proceeding to scratch my manparts and nicking a vein. I just got back from the hospital with a blood infection, swollen manparts, and an 8" needle hole in my butt where I had to get antibiotics. FML
Aug 19, 2009	fuck shit! shit is fucked! i hate, no, i LOATHE Perry Bishop
Aug 18, 2009	when people make appointments to see say, your flat. they should KEEP-TO-THEM! Fuck Perry Bishop and that time wasting blonde dickhead!
Aug 17, 2009	: people are viewing our flat tomorrow. Fuck!
Aug 4, 2009	Today, I went home with a guy I just met in a bar. I went to the bathroom real quick, and when I came out I was greeted by him with a 12 inch strap-on dildo on his head, and the words "I'm gonna fuck you like a unicorn." FML
Jul 30, 2009	: Fuck Michael Schumacher! Let the cheating recommence!
Jul 1, 2009	thinks England is full of whiny bitches and people talking about crap nobody cares about... yes I am aware of the irony of this statement.
Jun 27, 2009	thinks that there is some really weird shit on Canadian TV
Jun 15, 2009	doesn't care if this week sucks ass cos he's off on holiday on Saturday!!!!

Tha 3 Pigz n Tha Big Bo$$ Dogg

2010-07-11T17:36:00.001+01:00

Once upon a time in the ghetto there was a Dogg. The Dogg's name was Snoopy. Snoopy was tha boss of his gang. The gang owned a special plant. This plant made everybody happy and took all their troubles away.

Across town lived the 3 Pigs. The Pigs were fat and smelled of coffee. They heard about this plant and wanted to take it from Snoopy. One day they came up with a clever plan to steal the plant. They pretended to be Doggs to get into Snoopy's gang then stole it when he least expected it.

When Snoopy realised that the Pigs took his plant he was very mad. He chased the pigs back to their homes. But he didn't know which pig took the plant. So he decided to try all 3 of the houses.

Snoopy peered into the window of the first pig's house. What he saw shocked him so much he fell backwards. The pig was beating on a black dog and calling him mean names.
"Oh Hell Naw!!!" Yelled Snoopy. He had seen enough. Grabbing a nearby brick he broke the window and told the pig off for abusing that black dog. Then he blew the pig away using his powerful bark.
"Thank you" Said the dog.
"Your welcome" replied Snoopy, but I have to get mah plant back, you down?
"Of course, you saved my live" said the dog quickly. "My name is Nate"
"Well Nate" said Snoopy "we heading next door to see if that pig has my plant"

The Doggz headed to the second pig's house .They peered through a window. What they saw was more shocking then in the first house. The pig was beating on his kids and had popped his wife.
"Oh Hell Naw!!!" Yelled Snoopy, as he and Nate Dogg bust into the house and blew this pig away too.

Nate stayed behind to look after the kids while Snoopy snuck upto the last pig's house. Snoop decided to just break into this house as he knew his plant was in here. Sure enough, it was. The pig was caught enjoying the plant. Snoopy looked mad at first, but then he said
"Hey man, if this plant gives you as much joy as it does me, then it's cool. Why don't we all share?"
"That's not a bad idea, maaaan" Said the pig, who was really happy.

Snoopy called in Nate Dogg and all of his gang to join them in the Pig's house, where they all enjoyed the plant.

And they all lived happily ever after... until Snoopy blew away the pig and said

"Ain't no way any pig muthafucka stealing my weed"

The Moral of the story is this... don't get involved with drugs

Original Xanga Post date 22nd April 2006

Blah Blah Race Card

2009-10-15T21:05:00.003+01:00

Do you remember that nursery rhyme back in the day? The one with the sheep? You know the one. I'll recite it to you.

"Baa, Baa Black sheep
have you any wool?
yes sir, yes sir.
three bags full

one for the master
and one for the dame
and one for the little boy
who lives down the lane"

Brings back memories, doesn't it? Now, will it shock you to hear that this is banned from schools. Apparently it's racist. I didn't realise that I was being taught a hate-chant! of course, this is old news. But I must speak on this.

Once again, political correctness has destroyed another part of our childhoods. This wouldn't be as bad if a black person saw this as a racist rhyme.. but if it's a white woman from fucking Oxfordshire that's a totally different matter. This is how she saw the rhyme.

"Baa Baa Slave sheep
pick my cotton, ni**er
yessum master, yessum master
then isa make yo dinner"

You know what kids have to sing now? Baa Baa Rainbow sheep. What in the blue hell is a rainbow sheep? No child in their right mind is going to think this is normal. What were these people smoking when they thought this? Oh wait, is the sheep gay? That's it. The rainbow is because the sheep is proud to be gay. Trust me, no gay man (or sheep) would be seen dead in wool.

And what about the black sheep themselves? I never heard of one until I read the original rhyme. Their only claim to fame is this rhyme and now they can't get a job because the PC police have erased them from history. Are we going to call black labradors "rainbow labradors"? If this happened to people it would be considered racist. To quote South Park ; "DEY TOOK ARRR JHAAAABS!

Not only has PC affected nursery rhymes, blackboards have been renamed chalkboards. Oh yes, because all this time I thought that I was oppressing the blac.. sorry, chalk boards. Boo-fuckity-hoo.

If you want "racism" to stop, do not make a big deal about shit like this. It's stuff like this which makes things more serperate in socitey.

There's a word in the english language that describes a form of laughter. I want to write to one of these politically correct idiots and let them know that for too long this word has been around and has been offending many black people because it sounds very similar to a racial slur. I will also put forward the infamous "Rainbow Sheep" case and say that if you can change that, then this must be changed. I will then watch the media frenzy as this word is made illegal and these idiots will feel really proud for abolishing racism forever.

This is when i write back and tell them I was joking. I was trying to prove a point. There are idiots who will blow the whistle at anything and by doing this they not only make the matter worse, they look like twats in doing so.

And while they act like headless chickens I will be sniggering away at them whilst teaching my daughter the fucking proper words on her mini-black board.

Eminem - Relapse REVIEW

2009-06-10T20:29:00.004+01:00

I've not really been into Hip Hop all that much in recent years. Nothing really stood out for me except maybe stuff by The Game (post G-Unit of course). That's when I came across this.

It was by an unknown artist called Eminem (E-My-Nem) this being his debut album. Eminem is a dark haired rapper. The reason I even picked it up was because of the cover art. I mean, who can resist mosaic pictures?!

The album has 15 Tracks (20 if you count the skits) which vary in themes, sounds, words and length, unlike most music nowadays.

So here is my track by track guide/opinions of each of these tracks. Each track will get a rating out of 10 and at the end an overall rating. Skits do not get rated.

#1- Dr West (skit) : Emimen and Kanye West are discussing what would happen if Kanye and Dr. Dre had a love child. Hilarity ensues.

#2- 3 a.m.: 3 AM is a song about waking up at 3am to feed your cat because it won't shut up. Eminem eventually kills the cat. All is peaceful but then the dog starts making noise. It's a "Here we go again" sing-a-long fun fest. The beat is sampled from "What's New Pussycat". 7/10

#3- My Mom: A lovely song about his Mother. How he and her had their ups and downs but in the end he loves her no matter what. Here's a sample of the lyrics:
"They say I'm wrong and I'm heartless, but all along
I was lookin for a father he was gone
I hung around with the Thugs, and even though they sold drugs
They showed a young brother love"
He raps about how, even being a bastardized, homosexual drug dealer in his youth, his Mother stood by him. Lovely. 9/10

#4- Insane: As the title suggests, this song is totally insane. Some of the words he manages to rhyme are incredible. The song is about world peace by the way, hence INSANE. A bit hippy-ish if you ask me but it'll grow on you. 6/10

#5- Bagpipes from Baghdad: Now this is an interesting song. Eminem imagines himself as a Scottish Bagpipe player being send to play live in front of a crowd for a local caber tossing and haggis party, only to find the venue was booked in Baghdad! Those silly bookers! The beat is bagpipes playing Amazing Grace. Such a funny song! One of my favorites. 9/10

#6- Hello: Everybody album has a party song. This song is about meeting new people at a party. But everybody he meets is weird and wants to have sex with him when all he wants is to be just friends. We've all been there. 6/10

#7- Tonya (skit): Tonya from the previous song and Eminem are having sex..then he kills her with his penis as she's allergic to phallus. LOL!

#8- Same Song & Dance: He's not even shy about this one. It's the same words, same music even the same music video as You Can't Touch This by MC Hammer. I hate that song! 3/10

#9- We Made You: Eminem and his friend make a Play Dough Boy and he comes to life. He wants to find his mum but Eminem sings to convince him that "We Made You". The Play Dough Boy freaks out and kills everybody. Silly song but catchy none the less. 7/10

#10- Medicine Ball: Eminem has magical testicles. They can heal you. WTF was this guy on when he writes this stuff? Brilliant Rhyming here.
"Say everybody have you seen my balls?
They're big and salty and brown
If you ever need a quick Pick-me-up
Just stick my balls in your mouth!
Ooh, suck on my calpol coated balls,
Stick em in your mouth and suck em!
Suck on my Mediciney balls
they're packed full of vitamins
and good for you,
So suck on My balls!" 8/10

#11- Paul (skit): Paul McCartney wants to suck Eminem's Balls. So Eminem "kicks him in the cunt". Seriously... drugs were the influence here.

#12- Stay Wide Awake: Remember when you were younger and couldn't wait for Christmas day? This is the song for you. That is if you can't sleep and end up killing your parents after finding out that they are Father Christmas and it wasn't some fat bald guy. Brilliant! 8.5/10

#13- Old Time's Sake (Feat. Dr. Dre): Holy Shit! Dr. Dre recorded a song! This song immediately gets 10/10. This song is great. Dr. Dre raps about getting high (what else?!) Eminem talks about Mountain Climbing to get high. He must have been watching Bear Grylls. 10/10

#14- Must Be The Ganja: Eminem now sings about how he is failing at life from smoking all the weed. Another comedy classic from this brown haired clown. There's no real chorus here. Verses include:
"I was gonna make love to you but then I got high
I was gonna eat yo pussy too but then I got high
now I'm jacking off and I know why, yea heyy,
- cause I got high [repeat 2X]
must be the ganja". 8/10

#15- Mr. Mathers (skit): Eminem's dad comes to visit Eminem when he was 3. He then gets raped. Lovely! He then tells his mother and his mother yells at him for being a whiny bitch. So the dad "punishes" him again. He even gets felched. Yeah.... That's what I thought.

#16- Déjà Vu: Eminem raps about the glitch in The Matrix. How this get 3 verses is beyond me but Eminem finds a way. 8/10

#17- Beautiful: Eminem does a cover of Christina Aguilera's Beautiful. Very tastefully done. Every adjective has "fuckin'" in front of it.
"Your fuckin' Beautiful
In every fuckin' single way
Fuckin' words don't fuckin' bring me the fuck down
(Don't bring me down y'all)". 9/10

#18- Crack A Bottle (feat Dr. Dre & 50 Cent): The "platnuim trio" talk about how they break bottles of beer over each other's heads when they get drunk. Really, that's it. It's like "Jackass" The song. I skip this track after Eminem and Dr. Dre's verse is done. 2/10

#19- Steve Irwin (skit): Paul McCartney from earlier is sucking Steve's balls but accidental says Eminem's name. Steve "kicks Paul in the cunt" before being murdered by Eminem in a stingray suit. This is how it happened, apparently. This skit is depicted in the album booklet.

#20- Underground: Last song on the album. It's a song about Crab People. The Crab People have disguised themselves as the X-Factor and American Idol Judge Simon Cowell. Their plan is to make music so shit and irritating that all humans will kill themselves.

Eminem sees thru their guise and boils him alive in Gordon Ramsey's restaurant. At the end of the song Eminem and Gordon have a mini rap battle. Gordon wins so Eminem "kicks him in the Cunt".

This song is so off the hook the fishermen have given up and gone home. It's incredible. I actually ejaculated when I first heard this. Buy this album just for this song. 1111111/10.

Final Rating: 8/10

For a debut album, this is amazing. There are obviously some skip tracks, like Crack A Bottle, but it's all worth listening to. Especially that final song. I'm still mopping up semen stains.

I'm just playing Eminem, you know I love ya.

Hate-a-thon #1

2009-06-03T18:29:00.012+01:00

There has been a lot of things in the past year that have really got on my tits. I will now run down a few of them.

1) Adverts with hippy music: Somebody asked me a few months ago if I had seen the new Dell advert. I hadn't so I checked it out on the 'tube, thinking it would be amazing/clever. It wasn't. It was people with laptops with horrible music about somebody being "green today". It made me wonder how hippy music makes people want to buy this?

Loads of adverts have hippy music now. Hippys suck! Hippys don't buy fabric softener, laptops or phone network subscriptions. They buy guitars and weed.

2) "Celebrity" World Leaders: I know Barack Obama is the first black president. I know George Dubya was an idiot. I know Tony Blair looks like a goblin. But they are politicians not the winner of X-Factor! Our leaders are even guest appearing on shows the Simpsons and Comic Relief more than the actors nowadays. Fuck we even have The Terminator as a Governor of California now! Don't they have effing jobs to do? No wonder we're targeted by terrorists!

If I had the power to make any celebrity president of the word, I'd choose Mr. T. He'd fuck you up with just his manic stare. Of course, all wars fought will have no casualties as every bullet fired will hit nothing. While the ammo is being wasted Mr. T will roll up in his van and throw the enemy leader into the sun. Above everything else his "drink your milk and stay in school" global policy will eliminate those street scum we call chavs, because nobody will cross Mr. T.

3) The British Youths of Today: lyk, ths won tym i wz on fcebk n i wz redin da stus updts. 1 ov my m8z hd typd a msg lyk ths. i 4rt it wz cz she wz soooooooooooooooooooooo pissed bt on furver inspection she typs lyk ths nrmally. LOLZ!

If you cannot read the above paragraph then you are not alone. The person who I am referring to is not a dumb person. She just cannot seem to type, yet she uses a social networking website. You're not sending a text message.

It appears that 1 in 3 British youths are brain dead and cannot string together a decent sentence.That's not even an exaggeration. We even have TV shows now that are trying to help combat the retardation of our nation. Unfortunately BBC, it's failing. When the people on your show are talking about their cutting booze out, WITH A PINT OF BEER IN THEIR HAND, you know that the program is just glorifying this behaviour.

The person in the above picture was probably really impressed with the previous night's events. This was on his facebook the next day. He tagged his best mate as his arse. Classy.

4) Family Guy: Of all the shows to cancel and bring back, why this? Futurama was much better then Family Guy and they've only just brought that back. FAMILY GUY IS NOT FUNNY. It's a show for stupid people with a sieve for a brain. The first series was at least TRYING to follow a plot. Now it's just random shite thrown together. None of the minor characters are memorable. Who the fuck cares about an old pervert or some rambling gay man? And just when you thought the show couldn't be any more retarded they made this episode.

Nuff said. I'm bored now.

Is Call Of Duty Online an MMORPG?

2009-05-29T18:17:00.011+01:00

So, I was playing on Call of Duty (World at War) the other day and something struck me. I was playing the same game over and over again. Using the same weapon over and over again trying to reach a certain level so I could use a new perk. It felt like I was playing a MMORPG.

That's when I started to see the similarities between Call of Duty and Runescape.

Firstly, the more you kill, the higher your level goes up. The higher you level up, the better your weapons/equipment/abilities get. You also can get XP from completing quests or challenges. A lot of RS quests involve kills too. Coincidence?

Both games have skills with a set amount of levels. Alright, so in COD the skills consist of killing so many times with each weapon but how is that different to spinning flax on a spinning wheel for 10 hours straight?

Both games also have clans complete with clan chat. The only thing you cannot do on RS clan chat is go on a headset. Which is a good thing in some respects because you get these annoying little shits playing "Never Gonna Give You Up" or "Gay Fish" in the lobby screen...those were good times.

Side Note: Have you ever played the Call of Duty Drinking Game? You take turns to play an online match. Every kill/assist kill/death/dog murder results in a swig/shot of whatever you are drinking. After the match you switch players with the person sitting next to you. It's better with a headset too. Try it.

Another RPG (and I use this term loosely) that's similar to Call Of Duty Online is Pokémon. You fight and get XP, Certain levels give you new moves and you've got a party (which usually have retarded screen names). The standard XP gaining in-game battles have set rules but the private matches with friend can be any way you want.

It makes me think... just what was new about Call of Duty? Absolutely nothing. I've found a lost box art from a scrapped Pokémon game. Judge for yourselves...

It could be worse I guess... there could be a Sonic Call Of Duty...

Which Beans Be's The Best? - Review

2009-05-28T20:09:00.008+01:00

As you may or may not know... I LIKE BEANZ!!!!

But which beans are the best beans? I shall now re-review the beans I have eaten.

HEINZ: They are the most famous of the beans brands. They come in a pretty green packaging, come in packs of 4 and are manufactured by elephants in the jungles of Cambodia (see below for more information) so that's a plus (fair trade and all that). But they are a little bit grainy/gritty when cooked. That's a big no-no. 3/5

Branston Beans: I was sceptical about these beans at first. But after i tried them I realised that they totally shat all over Heinz. Comes in a shiny silver packaging and has a ring pull for ease of opening. They, like Heinz, come in packs of 4, however they are a little more expensive then Heinz. But you can taste where that extra few pennies went. 3.5/5

Tesco's Own: For cheap beans, Tesco tastes goooooood. They are affordable and come in packs of 6. That's like a can a day!!! (We don't eat beans on Tuesdays because that's forbidden). Cooks quickly too. Nice Heinz-esque green packaging too, it shows what the beans look like (in case you are a retard). 5/5

Co'op's Own: Flavour similar to Tesco's but they need to cook longer in order to be the right temp. Their packaging is a bit crap too. It's just white and blue. BUT the can can (can-can lol) be opened via the RING PULL LID!!!! So less time is needed in putting the beans into the bowl. Overall, good beans. Not great, but good. 4/5

Sainsbury's Own: Sainsburys costs an arm and a leg so to purchase a few cans of those beans would make one physically handicapped for the duration of one's life. Best to avoid Sainsburys if its beans you require to move and type and do all sorts of things you like doing. But if their beans are like their chicken kormas.... None the less... 2.5/5

Verdict:

Get your beans from Tesco's! You get more cans for your money. If there is no Tesco in your country.. may Emily have mercy on your soul.

*insert cheesy grin with spoonful of Tesco beans pic here*

Original Myspace post : Tuesday, February 13, 2007. Updated on re post for rewording.

Polar Bears

2009-05-28T19:58:00.004+01:00

Last night I had this totally fucked up dream where all the non-white people were turned into polar bears. Basically, white people did some tests on non white people and it back fired, so they were genetically modified into Polar Bears with "African American" accents.

The polar bears then waged war with the white people for control of earth. However, not all of the polar bears fought for the same side.

One polar bear, Steve, befriended the hero of the dream, who was also called Steve. Steve saved Steve's life from being mauled by a polar bear but Steve didn't know whether he could trust Steve, as he was a polar bear.

The two eventually worked through this problem and eventually killed all the other polar bears. Then I woke up. I wonder why I had this dream. Maybe cos I'm uber sick. Seriously, I had to sleep in my clothes because I was so cold. Anyway, I just thought I'd share this with you.

Toodles

Original Myspace date: Monday, May 07, 2007

Fuck December

2009-05-28T19:49:00.008+01:00

Fuck December in its tiny little asshole filled with the mountains of crap it has yet to shit all over the world. November has already puked its neon lights all over the cites and towns. it's already day 6 and I'm about to consider hibernation.

what has December done for me? or undone I should say

1) depressed the hell out of me with that "everything will be alright because its Christmas" bullshit. fuck Christmas, its been nothing but 1 major disappointment since 97. which brings me to point 2

2) the shitty ass weather has ruined many a December. it's particular annoying nowadays because I need good weather in order to have a semi-clear signal for the Internet (as you know I need that to talk to people). before it used to just freeze my balls off and kill my electricity so I couldn't use the PlayStation back in the old school days.

3) the whole "family together" thing "just because its Christmas". yes, it seems that Christmas is the root of all problems, doesn't it? why is it such a big deal to be with people for 1 day you don't even speak to or visit (when you very easily could walk 3 blocks and see them) for the rest of the year? if anything, you should see people you wont normally see at all or people you WANT to spend time with. but then it might lead to my first point and become hypocritical of me IF it is for the "well, its Christmas" reason.

you should see people because you want to, not because some strange old dudes a sheep herder and a freaking star all appeared over a stable where some pregnant virgin finally dropped her load. I'm seeing Jackie in 2 weeks because I actually want to not because of this Christmas crap. Jesus wont get his family together on your birthday and make models of your family all bunched up together in a delivery room so don't do it for him. fuck Christianity.

4) my birthday. this may sound selfish but I hate my birthday. purely for the fact that its totally over shadowed by the worst holiday ever. it's got to the point where I don't want a birthday any more because quite frankly if nobody else can be bothered to pay attention to it then I wont either. You know what I got for my birthday one year? a pocket dictionary. HOO-FUCKING-RAY!!! now I can define things on the go. go fist yourself, father.

5) the advertising.... the worst thing about December and the months leading up to it by far is the advertising. you know what moth I saw my first Christmas ad this year was? AUGUST!!!!!! August?!?! we've not even got back to school yet and were being forced fed x-mas dribble. I don't even want to watch TV at this time in case I have a seizure from the fairy lights and snowflakes on EVERY COMMERCIAL!!!!!!! and when the day when everybody gets disappointed finally has come and gone ...they still show this crap!!!!! no wonder there are so many fights during this time. this shit drives me mad just talking about it

6) the idiots who decorate their houses. go on.. waste your electricity. look like an attention whore. you are the only thing that amuses me this time of year..and not because the lights are pretty or the Homer Simpson "Father Christmas" (I'll be dead before I call him Santa) is humorous. you look like idiots and you'll not be smiling when you have to take that shit down when its pissing down with icy rain.

what should we do about it though? how do we stop December from being such a shitty month?

I have a solution.

there are 365 days in the year (leap years don't count). 13 x 28 is 364 if I am not mistaken. (yes, google calculator just proved me right) which means we could in theory have 13 months of 28 days except 1 with 29 (and it will get the extra day on leap years because its just superior in that way).

how will this get rid of December?

well, we just don't have one. with the new fair equal opportunities calender (except for February who will be the only surviving original month with its 29th day) no more December. sure it wont fix the weather but who gives a fuck, I want a new calender.

Original Myspace post date : Thursday, December 06, 2007

Blasphemy

2009-05-28T19:35:00.007+01:00

As I was drinking my tea earlier I had over heard someone utter the phrase "Jesus Christ". I thought about that phrase for a minute or two and realised that the Bible was WRONG!

Now, before you religious nuts go crazy, I am not hating on Christians. I for one was thrilled for his return to WWE. (ba-dum-tssh) But seriously, I have found several flaws with this "Taking The Lord's Name In Vein" crap.

For example. When somebody does something wrong, people say "oh for god's sake...!!!!" This is considered blasphemous, when in actual fact you are asking God herself to save this person from their own stupidity.. for God's sake depends on it.

Another one is "Jesus Christ!!!" When one is shocked and/or surprised, the previous phrase is used to express one's self. Bad? No. Not in the slightest. For you are calling on Jesus himself to save you at that moment.

Does the bastard come though? Not bloody likely...

If, however, you were to add the words "Titty-Fucking" (or something along those lines) to make the phrase "Jesus Titty-Fucking Christ".. this would still be fine! Everybody knows that Pimps and Playas have a great lifestyle and let's not forget that Jesus himself has a 12 strong posse. But that story is for another day.

"May God Strike Me Down!!" is not bad either. God has no time for your petty hissy fits or point proving rants. You know full well he can't. For the benefit of those who do not know, he used to employ this chap Zeus for that but after Striking Ben Franklin he had his license revoked. He only does storms now. If you ask God to strike you down he has to fill out all these forms and he really has no time for this. It's a decline. God is a lazy cunt. He only answers the prayers of the greedy and selfish because he gets higher commission rates for immoral deeds.

So, to summarise. Blaspheme all you want. You WILL get away it is, because the religious world is as corrupt as your Governments.

Original Myspace date : Thursday, January 29, 2009

Just talking shit

2009-05-28T19:25:00.012+01:00

OK, picture this scenario.

You're at work. You're about to go to home for lunch. But you have to poo. Do you wait until your lunch has begun and do your business or poo in the office before lunch?

I had this very dilemma thrust upon me today, so I decided to weigh up the pros and cons of where the best place to poo is.

OFFICE POOPING:

Pros:

Will feel relieved much faster.
Won't look constipated walking down the street.
Risk of pants shitting will be eliminated.
You'll have to take your lunch later so essentially you are being paid to shit.
Better hand soaps.

Cons:

You will have to take your lunch later.
People will know who's smell that was.
Horrible toilet paper.
Risk of leaving a floater.
Risk of finding somebody else's floater.
Risk of seat splatter.
Risk of pee puddles on the floor.
Queuing for the toilet.
You have to wash your hands.

HOME POOPING:

Pros:

No queues.
Any foul smells will be undetectable.
Any bowl skid marks will be unseen.
Better quality toilet paper/toilets.
Better reading material.
Can take as much time as you need.
Can fart as loud as you want.
Any floaters will be your girlfriend's/wife's so you can take the piss out of her later
You don't have to wash your hands.

Cons:

Using your own resources.
Valuable lunch/Playstation/wank time wasted.
Risk of being unable to make it through the door in time.
Risk of being late back from lunch as a result of excess waste.
You won't be getting paid to do this.
Unless you have shitty fingers, you'll probably not wash your hands.

CONCLUSION:

OFFICE: -4 HOME: 3

Although Home Pooping clearly outweighs Office Pooping, there may be some serious risks involved with having a crap at home. If you don't mind having a late lunch and/or monitoring the flushing at work then poop before going.

Original Myspace Date : Thursday, May 28, 2009